Peace and Waiting

Drinking

Imagining...

I am utterly captivated by the peace and serenity permeating my home right this second. Where was this feeling yesterday? It was in the works, surely. Yesterday I was functioning without sleep and under too many demands. But, I fought to stay productive... ahem. Mostly productive. And it all payed off. Now I am sitting in a perfectly quite house. The cleaning machines aren't even working. All is tidy, all is ordered, and even the paper work and phone calls are under control. This moment is so strange... I can't think of ANYTHING else that I could or should be doing. For a second, I can feel perfectly permitted to just be. I can hear myself think.

Yesterday

Right Now

All the children are sleeping, even Lola. My belly is still and quiet.

Before the ultrasound, I wondered if a part of me would regret finding out the sex before the birth. I had this sliver of a doubt that it could take away from the magic. But it hasn't. Not in the slightest. I love that this little being already has a name, a space in our family, and a space in the world. She is more real to me now than either Normy or Georgia were prior to their births. Especially with Normy, I could intellectually understand that there was a baby in there, that I would birth, and nurse, and watch grow... But, really it just felt like there was something foreign moving inside of me. I loved the idea of a baby before he was born... but I didn't really love him.

Everything changed when he was born. Having children stretches your heart in ways you can't imagine beforehand. I loved everyone in my life more after he was born because loving a child teaches your heart to love in new and bigger and more infinite ways. I found that growth overflowed into every aspect of my life.

By the time I was pregnant with Georgia I knew how much I was going to love her. I was much more aware of her as an actual baby in belly, as opposed to just a series of random rolling jabbing motions in my abdomen each day. I could feel the little curve of her back, and find the little round bump of her rump with my fingers. I could tell which movements were her feet and which ere the little tickle of her fluttery arms. What surprised me when she was born was how much MORE I loved her than I thought I would. I had never had any of those worries along the lines of how will I love a second child as much as I do my first? which the Internet would tell you is common. I knew my heart would swell to love them both... I just couldn't fathom HOW MUCH IT WOULD SWELL.

With each child it seems as though my heart is like the Grinch's on Christmas morning when he hears the Whoos down in Whoville start singing their song. The love just gets bigger and bigger. With Lola everything just seems to be happening earlier. I showed earlier, I felt her move sooner, and she was named before she was even conceived. She was predestined to come to us and be with us. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and see her little face, but really she is already right here. Not much will change. She'll go from my womb to a wrap; I'll still nourish her with my body; and I will still sleep curled around her at night. I have already spent my days talking to her, and about her. He siblings have already been lavishing her with kisses. Kisses I am sure she feels.

There are still mysteries of course. Will she have dark hair like Normy and Georgia did at their births? What will her personality be like? Will she keep her baby blue eyes? What will she want to be when she grows up? Will she travel the world, go to college, or join the circus? Actually the mysteries are endless. But, I feel like I already know her. So strange considering I was sure she was a boy. ;-)

I am so excited to birth this baby girl. I can't wait to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her... which is what I tend to do with my babies. I just can't keep my lips off them!

Well, I suppose I will go find something else to do. That baby blanket is still waiting for me to knit one stitch at a time... each stitch closer to being something to wrap around my new little love. Each stitch closer, each day closer...