Normy: 11 months and growing

I’ll now interrupt my scheduled doula posting to blather on about how cool my baby is. You see, May has come and almost gone, and I’ve written hardly a word about the development of the Amazing Normanski. This is his baby book after all and there’s actually been a lot to tell. My little wonder is taking off…which is really no surprise considering this was his eleventh month of life.

The big news is that he finally has a tooth. One perfectly formed little pearl of a tooth started poking through the day we flew to Florida. (May 2nd, 2007) It wasn’t even Smoochy or I who first noticed that it was visible. It was the woman in front of us in the security line who first exclaimed, “My! What a cute little guy! And look, you have a tooth coming in don’t you?”

Can you see it?

My response: “HE DOES????” We had been hoping that there was something going on in that mouth of his. That at least would explain his erratic and restless sleep, his persistent crankiness, and runny nose. At last! A tooth! My mommy friends and I had often kidded about how every sleepless night, fussy moment, and runny diaper could be blamed on this mythical teething. But until there was real proof we could never be sure what the deal was. Our kids might actually just be grumpy!

Once we settled into my parent’s house the fun began. Unlike our home in California, this house has tons of cabinets…and each one is a veritable treasure trove of exploration for my increasingly independent Normy. Here he crawls about opening and slamming closed cabinet doors from one end of the house to the other. No cabinet door or drawer within his reach is safe. To accommodate, the kitchen cabinet home to cleaning products has been secured with a wooden spoon through the handles; the cabinet doors to the entertainment center have been tied shut with string; and all of the Tupperware has been put in one low level cabinet so that Normy can unload it all over the kitchen floor day after day. He undertakes this task with great abandon every morning, and then spends the rest of the day rolling the various pieces of Tupperware all over.

Yea! Tupperware!

When he’s not watching Sesame Street, that is. In fact, I am able to type this right now thanks to my parent’s cable TV. He is mesmerized by TV. It is AMAZING how still he’ll sit to watch. Amazing, and slightly frightening. I am absolutely taking advantage of this brief period of TV exposure. Soon we will return to life without cable, but in the mean time…this is so cool!

Don't worry, this doesn't last all day!

Least you think this is the only stimulation my child is receiving, let me assure you he is still read to daily, enjoys walks to the local park, and trips to the beach! Normy loves swimming in the Gulf of Mexico; he loves being pushed on the baby swing at the park; and LOVES stories about the Duck in the Truck. But he loves none of these things as much as he loves opening and closing cabinets.

See the newspaper? He read that next!

I’ve never been very good about exposing Normy to new foods and textures. Unlike my dear friends in California I don’t often make delicious and nutritious baby food. Plus, I have this insane fear of him choking…so it’s been pretty much a steady diet of jarred purees for Normy. My friends would tease that I would still be packing Gerber jars for Normy in his lunch box in high school! However, we’re both getting better. I made him some chunky baby food that he was doing okay with. Okay, except his system wasn’t processing it so well and we were finding bits of rice and peas undigested in his diaper. Yuck. However, he has been enjoying little bites of our table food here and there and I have bumped him up to the “stage three” baby food…so there is some texture! The big advancement has been with the Zwieback biscuits Granny Jannie bought for him. He loves those things, and they are a perfect way to entertain him while the rest of us are eating dinner!

Mmmm!

My little man is about to celebrate his first birthday. It’s hard for me to imagine his babyhood is drawing to a close. Luckily for me he is still very much a little guy. He is happy crawling and not so interested in upright mobility. One tooth still leaves him with a mostly gummy grin. And though he shouts and hollers with great conviction, he hasn’t added any new syllables to his vocabulary. (He does babble the occasional string of “da da dad ad daa doo”.) It is so fun though to see him try and “talk” with the rest of us. He really gets going at the dinner table; and I love to watch him interact with everyone. He is a very social guy and enjoys just sitting around with the group. Did I mention, I love him to pieces?

Me as a Doula, Part II

I’ll tell you what, I learned more from the first birth than any other experience I’ve gone through in a very long time. And not just about childbirth, but about patience, strength, the way people work, and hospitals; it was one of those rare experiences that teach you a little something on every level. I had no idea what I was in for as I was crossing one of the many bridges that separate the East Bay from San Francisco. I drove blasting my radio, my every sense felt heightened.

My thoughts were a whirl with nervous ramblings. I couldn’t get the fear out of my mind that my first client might need me during Rita’s labor. I was nervous about doing a good job as a doula, and I ran through possible scenarios and comfort measures in my mind. Plus, I was a little fearful of the hospital. To begin with I felt woefully unfamiliar with hospital policies and procedures in general; plus, I had never so much as laid eyes on the hospital where Rita was delivering. I felt like I was hurling towards the great unknown.

Blessedly, the hospital was calm that night. So there was no one to observe me lost and wandering through the halls lugging my birth ball and trailing a rolling suitcase filled with a hundred items I didn’t hardly need. It probably took me fifteen slightly panicked minuets to find my way to Labor and Delivery. Rita had phone me on my drive in and let me know the room number she had been admitted to. As I passed the nurses station a smiling nurse introduced herself. She had been assigned to provide Rita with one on one care because Rita was alone. She was simply grabbing a snack while another nurse stood in for her a minute. I was so nervous that I asked for her name twice!

If the first thing I learned about work as a doula is the need for a back up, the second thing I quickly learned was that the nurse can be your biggest ally or your biggest antagonist. This particular birth I worked with nurses who were of great support to both my client and me, as well as a couple of nurses who seemed to take delight in making the both of us feel small. There can be no doubt that when I first stepped into Rita’s labor suite I felt about as out of place as a vegan in a slaughterhouse. I wasn’t sure how to slip in and get started. Thank goodness for that very first nurse!

Rita was doing wonderfully with her labor. She had found a rhythm and was sticking to it. What I didn’t know when I first got there was that she had been having regular contractions starting two days before at last being admitted to the hospital. Things were just getting going, and Rita’s tank was already running on empty. This first nurse was completely in her corner though. All of her suggestions and every word she used was calculated to keeping Rita motivated and reassured that things were going as they should.

I learned so much by watching and listening to how this nurse skillfully urged Rita on. For example, at one point Rita begged for the nurse to do something to make the contractions slow down. She felt like she couldn’t handle the intensity. This nurse gently reminded Rita that she wanted the contractions to come close together because that was the only way to bring out he baby; and the fact that they were so intense was a good sign that she was progressing. It was simple common sense, but priceless to me to hear the response.

I don’t want to give the impression that I wasn’t working. I was very hands on offering suggestions for breathing, position change, and more. I kept in mind something my doula trainer had taught me: that a good doula spends each moment reevaluating how to make a client feel safer and more comfortable. At the same time the doula should be looking for ways to speed labor. But more than any of those things, the way I was best able to server this particular client was simply to be there for her throughout the entire process.

Eventually this first fantastic nurse came to the end of her shift and said her good-byes. Her replacement had none of her compassion, none of her bedside manner, and none of her respect for a woman’s ability to naturally birth her baby. It wasn’t even that my client was completely committed to an intervention-free childbirth. But, this particular nurse’s every comment and action loudly proclaimed, “You’re too weak to do this, you might as well just schedule your C-section now.” I was shocked that a nurse could be so compassionless. And it was a true test of my diplomacy. Especially when my client decided (without the slightest prompting from me, I’ll add!) that she wanted a new nurse!

Now that was an awkward situation. However, I was pretty proud of the way my client and I handled it. I paged the nurse’s station at Rita’s request and asked that they please have a doctor come see her. Of course at that point the not-so-nice nurse (I’ll call her Jane) came in and hovered, she would not leave! She told Rita that the doctor was busy and asked if there was anything she could do help or any questions she could answer. Rita just insisted on seeing the doctor.

The doctor finally cam in after what seemed like an eternity of breathing through contractions while Jane plopped herself in a char and sat staring at us. The doctor had been delivering a baby and yet she apologized for taking so long!

Jane kept hovering

For a minuet or two everyone just looked at each other. For someone who had been so insistent on seeing the doctor Rita was oddly quiet now.

The doctor and Jane busied themselves with small talk with Rita. They talked to her about where she was in her labor and conversed about pain relief options. The doctor was preparing to leave and Rita still had not talked to her about switching nurses. I caught her nervously looking at me. I asked Rita loudly in front of everyone if she wanted Jane and I to leave so that she could talk to the doctor alone. She replied yes. Jane pretended not to hear the exchange (maybe she didn’t?) So I did something I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been Rita’s only support. (I would have suggested the father do it otherwise.) I said:

“Jane, Rita wants to talk to the doctor alone. Could you please step out into the hall with me?”

Jane was surprised and the doctor looked at me quizzically. Oh yea. I said it.

But she left with me. As we were walking out she muttered something and walked back to the nurses’ station before I could say anything to her (which was probably for the best.). I wasn’t sure if I should explain to her that I knew what Rita was talking to the doctor about. If there was some way I should diplomatically say she was being replaced? I left it alone, not sure it was my place. For future births I wonder if it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to suggest to the father that he explain TO THE NURSE (politely) that due to a conflict of personalities that they would like a different nurse. That way, the nurse might not feel like someone had gone behind her back. Would any experienced doulas out there share their thoughts on this? Have you experienced this kind of situation? How did you handle it?

The bottom line is that this whole experience really underscored for me how vital a doula can be to a birth team because they are the only person who stays with the laboring mother start to finish. It should never be underestimated just how vital this continuity of care is. Who knows what nurse the next shift holds or which doctor will be on call. It is impossible to guess how long a labor will last, or how many hospital shift changes it will take to get that baby born. The one constant the client can count on is the doula. We are there to be the relentless guard of labor and delivery. From the beginning contractions to the final push and beyond we are the one face that doesn’t change, that doesn’t flag in our encouragement. We are the ones who ALWAYS believe in the mother and her decisions. Can you tell I’m pretty freaking proud to have been called this woman’s doula?

This isn’t the end of my story, but Normy is up from his nap. We are deep in the trenches of sleep training over here…that’s a whole other post. Pray for us. It’s not going well!

My First Births as a Doula...Part I

I have been on a break from birth. Since Smoochy and I left California I haven’t visited any blogs or Internet sites that deal with birth; I haven’t read and books on birth; I haven’t thought about my career as a doula; I have been on vacation.

Normy's been on vacation too... a vacation from clothes.

When we decided that Smoochy would resign form his job and that we would pull up stakes and head east I knew moving wouldn’t me my only challenge. You see, my very first doula client ever was due to deliver two weeks before our scheduled move date. I knew this was cutting it close, I knew that this would make things more stressful for me both in terms of “being there” for my client and in terms of preparing for the move…but there wasn’t any other way to do it realistically…and I was up for it.

But, MAN was it tough.

The biggest stress came when my darling husband had to leave town for FOUR days of interviews in the week of my clients’ due dates.

You see, in the midst of it all I had taken on a second client. I had been put in touch with her by my doula trainer. Through a series of tragic circumstances outside of her control the woman had not had time to prepare for her pregnancy, and worse, she would be unsupported for her labor and delivery. I started meeting with her two weeks before her due date despite the added pressure it put on my family because the client badly needed the support and because I badly wanted the experience!

Yet, those four days that Smoochy was gone I had two women past their due dates which made me a little crazy. If it hadn’t been for my amazing friends I would not have been able to honor my commitment to these women if their labors began.

It was bad enough that Smoochy was out of town; we were two weeks from moving; and I had two clients busting at the seams…but to make it all worse: Normy caught a cold. At this point I nearly lost it. Originally I had planned to drop him off with my dear friend Stela if one of my clients went into labor. However, once Normy got sick how could I do so in good conscious? Stela has a baby of her own! Not only would it be crummy of her to have to take care of my sick baby for God knows how long, but what if L. got sick too?! This is where I learned the first lesson these births had to teach me. A doula should ALAWYS and I mean A L WA Y S work with a back-up!

Somehow, miraculously, as if by providence…it all worked out. Not without a couple of close calls though! The first came only hours after Smoochy had boarded a plane for Atlanta! It was about 5 o’ clock in the evening when my phone rang and I talked to the shaky and excited husband of my original client. (Her internet name will be Kay…but this is fictitious) Kay’s water had broke (they thought) and though contractions had not started in earnest their doctor wanted them to check in to triage as her labor with her first child was quite fast.

I was excited after that call as if I was a first time dad. I rushed around getting the my gear together for the trip to the hospital like I was going to have MY first child. I don’t know how I managed to take a shower, load my birth bag and ball, grab Normy’s over night bag, and make it in to the car with him in tow in less than fifteen minutes. But I did. I was on fire! Thankfully his sniffles had lessened and Stela had insisted that she’d look after him no matter what. She’s so cool. She said to me, “Becca, you have to go to this birth. It’s your job!” I could not ask for a better friend.

Once Normy and I got to Stela’s we had time to settle in and catch our breaths. My client and her husband wanted to get through triage and settle into labor and their labor suite a little before I joined them. I expected to get the call to join them in an hour or two. So, I figured I’d get Norm settled into Stela’s and then slip out. I fed him, bathed him and got him into bed…before getting the call that there was some question as to whether my client’s water had indeed broken and that the couple was heading home to wait until labor picked up some. We all expected that to happen sometime that night so I decided to sleep on Stela’s couch rather than to bring Normy home only to have to return in the middle of the night. I slept in my doula clothes, with my cell phone in hand, and woke the next morning with a kink in my neck despite Stela’s very comfortable couch.

I spent the next couple of days in a state of high alert, expecting to get the call at any second that it was time to go to the hospital with this mother. Day after day passed and it looked like this baby was in no hurry. Time and time again my client would start to have contractions only for them to peter out a few hours later. Soon it was Friday, Smoochy was due home LATE that night (or early Saturday morning to be exact) and still no baby. She had to be close! Every time the phone rang I practically jumped out of my skin.

At 10:30 that night I finally made myself go to bed. I was pooped and anxious and thought that I would need my sleep. I should have gone to bed earlier! At 12:30 midnight the phone rang and woke me from a dead sleep. I grabbed the phone and groggily answered,

“Hello?”

“Hello Rebecca…”

“Kay! Are you in labor?”

“Rebecca? No this is Rita (not her real name) the contractions are close like you told me they would be when it was time to go to the hospital…” her voice trailed off as she started to have another contraction.

Oh my GOD!!!! My second client had gone into labor and my husband was still not home form the airport! AAAHHHH!

Luckily my bags were still packed from earlier that week when I thought I was on my way to the hospital with my first client. I told my 2nd client to go on to the hospital ahead of me if she felt that it was time and that I would be there just as soon as I could. She knew my husband had been out of town and that there could be some complications with my ability to support her based on that, as well as my commitment to my first client. However, I felt horrible that I couldn’t pick her up and take her to the hospital as we had previously discussed. I did my best to remain calm and focused as I readied myself and waited anxiously for Smoochy to make it home.
It was an hour and a half later (two in the morning!) when Smoochy finally arrived home from his red-eye flight and taxi ride home from San Francisco Airport. I was so relieved to see him! Twenty-five minutes later after a hug and kiss; after he made me a PB&J; after her QUICKLY told me about his interviews, that I was on the road cruising towards my first birth as a doula.

TO BE CONTINUED…

5 AM Again...

and Norman is wide awake. Up around 1230 last night I decided to put him in bed with us... again. He's been so restless since we got here. He started teething right before we left Cali. He's been sick the first couple of weeks we've been here. He still has a raspy congested noise in his chest. He's started turning up his nose to regular baby food. I think he's over pureed slop. We tried to feed him some specially cooked big people food yesterday, the remains of which in his diaper this morning would have made a sailor heave.... and heave. No longer does boobie milk make him tired and allow the wife to put him down for a nap. We have not yet attempted any type of consistent sleep training, therefore his naps are crap. I'm still looking for a job. The wife and I are not used to spending 24/7 together. Needless to say, it's been an interesting couple of weeks.

Ta hell with it, we're going to the beach.

Umm, when the sun comes up that is...

Sorry Dad, I meant to get this up last night...

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True Friends

In the year that we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area we skipped most of the sights. I’ve still never been to Napa Valley or Halfmoon Bay. We skipped Golden Gate Park and the legendary Haight-Ashberry intersection. But I am leaving the Pacific Coast feeling contented and full because of the incredible friendships we made. Getting to know the people in our life out here has convinced me that in fact I have seen the best California has to offer.

Our California adventure started out perfect because almost as if by providence we embarked with our more family than friends: The M.K. Family. I have written before about how amazing it is that in the five years since Jacob and Matt graduated from the Naval Academy they have hardly ever been stationed more than a short drive away from each other. When the M.K.’s were in Jacksonville we were in Kingsbay, a mere 45 minuets even with Jacksonville traffic! And just when we moved to the East Bay the M.K.’s were stationed in Monterey so Matt could attend the Naval Post Graduate School there. These are friends for life, and the fact that we have enjoyed California TOGETHER is nothing short of fantastic. We have been able to spend holidays, birthdays, and many just for fun days with our very closest friends. It’s been a hoot!



And considering Smoochy and my slightly antisocial nature I would have guessed that would have been it for us as friends go. And it probably wouldn’t have been if it wasn’t for Stela. We met at prenatal yoga, back when we were mothers more in theory than in practice. I remember the first time I saw her in sweats and a bandana waddle into yoga and plop down on her mat, I thought she looked like a sweet girl. Stela has the most warm and inviting smile. Somehow we got to talking in the parking lot after class one night. Stela was just as friendly in person as she appeared. We chatted about our pregnancies: I knew I was having a boy, she and her husband were keeping it a surprise. We chatted about our husbands, about the town, and about doctors vs. midwives. I was so excited when we swapped numbers. When I got home I bragged to Jacob that I had finally met someone!!!

Stela and I started hanging out right away. We went out for Indian food, and met for yoga. After yoga we would go from there to the farmer’s market. Stela was easy to talk to, quick to smile, and always laughing. I really enjoyed her. But then our babies came and we lost touch for about two months. I was busy with a barrage of company; and Stela’s baby came six weeks early so she was busy with the NICU, breast pump, and her not so little preemie.

I’m sure we would have caught back up sooner or later, but it was thanks to Babies R Us that we finally reunited. Smoochy and I were there on a Saturday checking out the baby gear when low and behold there was Stella…without her belly! I was thrown for a loop because she wasn’t due till August and this was only July. Turn’s out she was on her very first outing since her son L. was born! It was so cool to be put back in each other’s paths.



Once L. was old enough to start leaving the house, the on-the-go Stela was chomping at the bit to be out and about so she started getting involved with some mommy groups organized around the local hospital were L. was born. And thank God, she dragged me with her. Every Tuesday was the Mommy n’ Me group that met to discuss baby issues in a round robin fashion. And every Wednesday there was a group of moms that met right by my house to walk a trail that runs along a river here. Actually, most of the mothers meet to RUN the trail, but Stela and I met to walk and to chat. It was a great weekly routine to get us out of the house and around other women. Since that time my weeks have been filled with Tuesday Talkies and Wednesday Walkies.



Wednesdays were always my favorite. Stela and I would do our four mile hike while the babies napped blissfully in there joggers and we would gab away. Our conversations centered mostly on the joys and perils of new motherhood in the beginning. We talked about breastfeeding problems, sleep issues, and the pros and cons of co-sleeping. However, it didn’t take long for us to start talking about more than just our babies. Stela and I explored our pasts, our family dynamics, and our goals weekly as we walked along the river.

After our exercise was out of the way Stella and I would head back to my house for sandwiches, chips & salsa, and still more conversation. The very first Wednesday I planned to have her over I woke up extra early, made sure lunch was set, and made the table in advance. I was so excited to have such a nice girlfriend and to be able to host for a little ladies lunch. I even took pictures of the table…



Stela has this amazingly warm and infectious personality. She only needs to meet a person once to remember their names, their kid’s manes, what they do for a living, and maybe even their birthdays. Seriously. She is the type of person that people love to be around, and since she in turn is a social creature herself, she is the perfect candidate to organize activities and groups of people.

Which is how I met Rosie and Suzanne. Actually I was originally introduced to them on Wednesday Walkies. I can honestly say I hit it off with each of these incredible ladies just as quickly as I did Stela. It was as if we had been hand selected by a higher power to all be friends. There were some crazy coincidences in the group that certainly pointed to something extraordinary. For one, Stella and Suzanne were born one day apart and their babies were born on the exact same day, in the exact same hospital, just down the hall from one another!

Anyway, week after week the four of us had adventures together. We branched out of our usual weekly meet-ups to include trips to San Francisco and even a monthly kid-free Ladies’ Night Out. Sure we talked about our kids. However, our friendship was based on more than just the fact that we were all first-time moms figuring out the ropes of motherhood together. I really feel like we understood each other. Maybe the fact that we were all figuring out our role as women, wives, and mothers simultaneously made it easy in a way to relate and truly get to know each other.



Well, I have been writing this post for several days now, bit by bit and I could go on and on talking about how incredible all of our friends are back in California. Stela and her husband Jamie (pronounced Hi-ma)are the most hospitable people I know. They brought us into their homes and their lives again and again. It was always a treat to laugh with them, eat with them, and grow with them as new parents.It was a blast to spend week after week hanging with Stela a L. all over town. We were such good friends that every impromptu visit was welcome; it didn't matter if we were still un-showered and in sweats, we were always up for a visit! The time we spent together was some of my most treasured memories of our California days.




And words can't even describe the love we have for the M.K. family. Matt and Smoochy's closer-than-brothers-friendship has united our families and helped cultivate this incredible bond shared by all of us. I know that Matt and his wife, (my true friend) Jen, Will always be an integral part of our lives. Whether it be just to chat or to give each other the shirts off our backs, I know our two families will always be there for each other. There is so much I look up to about them as individuals and as a couple (their FIERCE loyalty springs to mind). I am looking forward to watching our kids grow up together...and eventually get married! ;-)



And my lovely lovely ladies; Suzanne and Rosie; their friendships were the bright part of my California adventure. Rosie always made me laugh. She is a witty and strong woman. Rosie tells the best stories that are always relevant and poignant.(Unlike the rest of us who have a bit of a flighty streak!)I admire her self confidence and her no-nonsense candor. If you needed someone to (kindly) tell you how it is, Rosie is the girl to ask. She was definitely the commonsense in our group! I always really looked up to her.



And last but not least, Suzanne. This girl is my kindred spirit. We had just started getting to really know one another once Smoochy and I had decided to move. She once described our relationship from that point as "speed-friendship" and it truly was. Once she and I really started to talk it quickly came out that we have an unlikely shared history. I thought I was the only one in the world who had walked a path like mine; and to meet someone who had traveled such a parallel road made us instantly united. But, even if the two of us had come from different planets I would have loved her for her complete generosity. Suzanne is quick to anticipate what others need and is quick to give when she has the chance; and she always makes the chance!



I am so sad to be so far away from them all. It isn’t everyday that you meet people who you trust, who you love to be around, and who you can rely on. All of our friends on the West Coast are just like that. If they are reading I would like them all to know how much we appreciated all of the many kindnesses they bestowed on us over the last few months. Thank you for the going away party and the beautiful memory photo album you made or us; thank you for helping us watch Normy; thank you for helping us move;, thank you for being our family as well as our fiends! We will miss you all so much and we can’t wait to see you all again!