But, the truth is, striving to be interesting is about as worthwhile as wearing high heals for a night on the town. Sure your legs may look great, but if your feet are killing you and you can't dance, you might have been better off choosing the sneakers.
I'm trying to live my life wide oped. Trying to find my true voice. My authentic self. But what the heck does that mean anyway? How much difference is there between who I am and who I want to be? Is it as simple as my actions versus my thoughts? What about perception? How about this:
self = thoughts + or - action / perception
Why does this sound like something I would have written in my journal freshman year?
Aren't I I supposed to have figured this stuff out by now?
I remind my self to:
BREATH
I'm alive.
That's it.
And it's enough
As I write this, I realize that is from one of my favorite songs right now. Have you heard I'm Alive by Kenny Chesney? He sings it with Dave Matthews, which was a surprising combo to me. Let me see if I can find it for you:
Ah yes, thank you YouTube,
The refrain goes:
And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well
So, I'll forget the rest.
Today I am:
(In love with colons!)
No really,
I am a pair of hand slicing watermelon for hungry kiddos.
A voice that calls a friend just to say, "HI! I was just thinking of you!"
A floating dream of a medicinal and kitchen herb garden in place of the weeds.
A flared temper over whining toddlers.
I am two rows of interrupted knitting sitting by the tub.
I am a kiss for a Smoochy returned from work.
Some days if I can just make through lunch-time without screaming at my children that's all that matters. Forget about my "authentic self". When I can be a nourishing breast, a steady shoulder, and helpful hands does it really matter what my "true voice" sounds like? Or is it that in each moment, that is the tenor my "true voice" takes on?
Really, the best I can do is work hard so that when the day is done I can say that I am proud of how I spent my time.
The yoga instructor at the gym (who takes my stereotype of a "gym-yoga teacher" and blows it out of the water.) recently said that,
"So much of yoga is about finding the balance between the energy we draw into ourselves and the how we allow that energy to explode out of us."
I almost fell out of my triangle pose when she said it, because it resonated so strongly with some of the things I have been ruminating on. Right now I am truly searching for that balance.
5 comments:
It takes a long time to find your authentic self. I am still looking. I am someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's sister, someone's aunt... but very few people remember me when I was just "me". I think that is what living is all about. I don't think we ever truly find ourselves. It is the reason for living...the journey. Women struggle with this more than men. I think it is because our souls are deeper. ;0) I wonder what I have done that matters, but then I see my son open the door for another, my daughter parent her own, and I realize I did do something important.Not for anything big but for all the things that really mean the most in the end.
You have already begun your legacy. Just look into the eyes of those kiddos of yours!
Amen Anonymous.
It's hard to be interesting when your potty training and teaching the basic. Just do the things you enjoy doing for yourself and all the work as a mom will pay off. Everything You do Matters to those children and you have to pay the fiddler now so you don't have to later! Mom is not an easy title but a Damn worthy one! Your doing the best you can do now and I know that if there's something you don't know how to do you'll find the answer!
And how life-giving your breath is.
Nothing better than a wide-open life!
Keep up your words, mama. Lovely.
xo
my my my......you are your authentic self! You have to be.
Those who live on the "high road" are authentic people. Becca, you spend a lot of time making sure that you are doing the right thing, be that for your children, your husband or others AND for yourself. That, to me, is the epitome of authentic self. Generally we as people just don't recognise it as such. You are an admirable woman. Keep an extra pair of sneakers in the closet...you will wear out many a pair on that "high road" being who you are...
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